Birthdays

Birthdays
I always wondered just what makes me different. I know such a question is a rather vague one. Everyone is different. No two people are the same. But that is not exactly what I’m talking about. I meant to ask, just why am I not opposed to doing things that others morally abhor? Just what is it about me that makes me care less about others opinions? Just what puts these impulses in my mind and what allows me to act upon them? These are the main questions that find their way into my every thought, of every day, of every hour, of every second, and of every life. Such questions haunt me in my dreams, at work, and even on the streets. In conversations. Everywhere and anywhere. I try to steer my thoughts elsewhere, but am unable to do so. It’s almost as if the thoughts have a mind of their own and are adamant in their quest to pester me into acknowledging them. And I must say that they are succeeding on that front. And it is very irksome, the thoughts that invade my mind.

One such questions that I have always thought about was “Why?”. I’m positive that everyone that has, does, or will exist has thought of this question at one point or another. The question is first posed as a child when they are just beginning to wonder about the things around them. And that’s just it. In order to get an explanation, one must ask “Why?”. And I am no exception to the rule. But my “why” is in reference to “Birthdays”. No, that’s not right. Not “Birthdays”, but rather a “Birthday”: Singular. And the one I would always question would be my own.

At first, when I noticed what was going on, I asked that fateful question. The answer I got was, “Because you are older.” At first, I was satisfied with the answer and didn’t question it further. Mostly because I got my answer to my question, but more so because I was a small child of 4 and I didn’t have much need to seek further answers. All I knew was that you get gifts on “Birthdays”.

When I got my first gift, I can’t remember what it was, I was shocked. It was the first time I ever got a gift. And then there was cake!!! CAKE!!! I was so happy to get to eat cake so early in the day. And I didn’t even have to eat dinner! At the time, I thought it would be great if it was my “Birthday” every day. Wouldn’t it be great to eat cake everyday? I thought so. But that was before I saw something that changed that idea real fast.

I was going to one of my “cousins” “Birthday” parties when it happened. My “Guardian” took me. When we walked in, I immediately noticed some glaring differences between my “Birthday” party and theirs. At mine, there was only my “Guardian” and myself present. I didn’t think it weird or out of the norm, because I didn’t have anything to compare it with. But then, looking at all those people, I knew it wasn’t supposed to have been that way. Then, there were the presents. So many of them. Now, I know there couldn’t have been more than 20, but then I could only count up to 10, so I knew there were a lot of gifts. I only got 3, and two of them were clothing. The thought of it made me depressed, although I didn’t know it. It only got worse as they all began singing “Happy Birthday”. They all looked so happy. I wished that it was me in her place. That the “mountain” of boxes were mine. That the “Huge” cake was mine. But more than anything, I wished “the song” was being sung to me. But as the years rolled by, I came to slowly loath the “day of birth”.

I was 10 when everything came to a head. In my room I sat in the darkness, something I’ve come to love. Why I feel so will have to wait. In any case, I was staring at my ceiling while lying on my back. I was thinking about my life thus far. Having lived for only 10 years didn’t leave much for one to reminisce, but a lot has happened in my life. Which led me to the thought that was constantly bouncing around in my mind as if it was a hive of angry bees that wished to kill the intruder to protect the hive, with my peace being the intruder. “Why” where they here? That was what I couldn’t find a logical answer to. To me, there was none. And yet, here they were again. Just outside my room were “monsters”. My “so called” family. This question always found a way to pester me on this “day of birth”. Always on this day. I wracked my mind for a reason as to why they would suddenly take an interest in me after 8 years of neglect. I was brought out of my thoughts by the sound of someone knocking on my door. It was my “Guardian”. I was proven right as they opened the door and told me to come out. I contemplated ignoring the request, but thought better of it. If I did, then they would, undoubtedly, storm into my room. I didn’t like others in my room. So I stood up and walked out and into the dining room. All along the walls were my “Family”. My eyes grazed over each of them, taking in clothes, attitude, and feelings. As I locked with each of their eyes, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. The old proverb goes “The eyes are the windows to the soul.” It’s also the sleeve on which your emotions show. Despite how well you think you have hidden them, how well you lie to yourself and others, they will always show the truth to those who look hard enough. And at that time, I wished that I didn’t know how to look for them at all. Hatred. Disgust. Loathing. They were only the beginning of the long list of emotions that I saw in them. And that was only from one person. One Person!!! I could feel the weight of their thoughts and feelings coming down onto me as if I were Atlas. When their eyes were off of me, due to my “Guardian” calling attention towards the cake, I released a silent sigh to myself. Turning my attention towards the cake, I spotted another’s name on it before mine. That’s right. That’s why they are here. My “Birthday” was only four days after one of my “cousins”. Finding this out, my “Guardian” decided to celebrate our “day of birth” together. It was everyone else’s idea to do so on my “birthday”. So call me spoiled. Call me selfish. But I felt that my name should have been first. Of course I didn’t voice this. I didn’t wish to draw attention towards myself. Looking towards my “cousin”, I spotted his face wide with a smile and so was everyone else. Everyone but me. I didn’t smile, because no one smiled at me. As the lights were turned out, I could feel the “cold” that swept over me and relax my muscles, before they tensed again because of the candles on the cake were lit. One was the number “7” and the other “10”. That’s when “Happy Birthday” was being sung. I could only watch detached as they sang. The words were sung with happy faces as they watched my “cousin” smile and look around. But as their eyes glanced over towards me, before turning back, I felt a lump in my throat before forcing it down with a painful gulp. It was fast. So fast, that one would question the validity of what was seen, but I know better. No matter how fast, how brief, how miniscule it would be, I would notice. And again I wished that I couldn’t, but it would seem that I was destined to see things that I had no wish to see. It seemed to be timed. Too perfect to be coincidence. It was perfect. As one, they all looked at me for a second and conveyed the same emotion. Abhorrence. Complete and total hatred for my being. I was brought out of the thoughts by the voice of my “Guardian” telling us to blow out the candles and make a wish. I don’t know where the custom came from, for one to blow out a flame on a piece of wax and be granted a wish, but I hoped it had some credibility to the claim. Nodding my head, I leaned forward and blew out the candle. I had only one wish, and one wish only. There was no need for me to think on the matter. As the cake was cut, and myself getting the smallest piece, the adults shooed us away into the living room so “we” could “play”.

I sat by myself in a far off corner eating my cake as to avoid what I knew was an inevitability. But, even if it was inevitable, I could try and postpone it as long as possible. As I finished my cake, the plate was knocked out of my hands and onto the floor. As they began hitting me in my arms, legs, stomach, and chest, I found myself thinking distantly that it was lucky that I finished my cake when I did. This was a norm. A routine if you will. They called it “Birthday Licks”. Despite the name, no licking was involved. During this act, the one who was celebrating their “day of birth” was supposed to be hit by friends and family by the amount of years that has past. After which, they couldn’t tell the adults. Feeling my body go numb from the hits, I thought about the first time I tried to “join in reindeer games”. it was my first and last attempt. As I landed my first blow upon the person, time seemed to have stopped. The smile on my face was quickly replaced by fear as they turned on me ant left me crying on the ground before going back to play their games.

When I could finally see the ceiling again, seeing as it was blocked by bodies, I was curious as to how I made it to the floor. But in the end, I didn’t pay it much mind. Simply wrote it off as a reflex. Looking around I could see no one, but I heard the farewells down the hall signaling their departure. For a second I wondered how time passed so quickly, before pushing the thought out of my mind with a new one. A happier one. “They” were gone. Getting up, I slowly walked to my room. It didn’t surprise me that my “Guardian” didn’t look my way. She rarely did anymore.

Making it to my room, I closed my door before lying down and staring up at the ceiling. The darkness came to me like it always did as I thought about the events of the day as I always do. Unbidden, I felt my eyes sting. It was rather irritating. It stated out that way before the warm and salty secretions made their way past my ear and onto the pillow to be absorbed, erased, and then forgotten. I then found my lips moving and vocal chords working to produce the song that I longed for but now it’s simply a perverse mixture of sadness and self loathing, hatred, shame and loneliness. As I sang the song slowly to myself, I couldn’t help but wonder, as I curled up into a ball and felt the darkness claiming me; would my wish be granted by morning? Because if it was, then I could honestly smile. Because then...
“They” would be gone...forever...