Angels

Angels


I always wondered whether or not “Angels” were real. It’s not such an easy question to answer. It mostly comes down to your religious beliefs and faith. Most people believe that an “Angel” of some sort watches over the, whether it’s the “Devils” or “Gods”, from “Heaven” or “Hell”, they believe that “Someone” is watching over them. I, myself, know that i am being watched. I don’t know as to which side has me in their sights, but i know tabs are being kept. Notes are being taken. Observations recorded. I do wonder which is watching though. Could it be “God”? Could he be watching me? Watching what moves i make. What i think... My deepest desires...

Is “He” watching me to see what path i will walk down... The path of righteousness and good will, or the “other”... Does “He” enjoy watching me? Am i good entertainment for “Him”? Does “He” enjoy my torment? Is “He” sitting back as “He” watches his “Angels” carry out his orders? How thorough their methods? How precise their strikes? How cutting their words are? I be “He” does. I just know he does. With a smile on “His” face and a gleam in “His” eyes. A feeling of pride swelling in “His” chest at watching “His” “Creations/Angels” working to rid me of my “precious” existence.

Oh, how “He” watches them closely. Like a hawk, “His” eyes are. Watching every little detail. Trying to find the “Chink in my armor”. “The weakest link in the chain”. My “Achilles Heel”. I bet he doesn’t use “His” “All seeing Eyes” to see what i will do next only to maintain suspense and anticipation for the outcome. Many people paint “God” as being a “Just” and “Benevolent” god. One who is fair to all and shows no bias, which is shown by how he sacrificed his “Son” for “Us”.

But, maybe I am wrong. Maybe “He” is watching out for me. Every “Close call”, every “Hair’s breath”, “He” was there looking our for me. Or, maybe “He” was only prolonging my suffering. Yeah... That sounds like “him”. something “He” is capable of. I wouldn’t put it past “Him” i know i sound pessimistic, but those are the facts as i see them. And in seeing them as thus, i feel as if I’ve garnered the attention of “The Morning Star”.

I wonder how “He” sees me... Perhaps “he” sees a bit of “Himself”. Or, maybe he sees potential. A possible partner... If so, then i am not positive if it’s a good thing or not. I mean, “God” is supposed to be “Good” and the “Devil” bad. But, who can really say what is considered “good” and what’s “bad”? It’s all a matter of perspective. A so called “Good deed” can be misconstrued as a “Bad choice” if it is to the others dissatisfaction. And the same could be said vice-a-versa. Where one decision, such as stealing a loaf of bread, can be seen as bad to the casual observer, is only so, because they do not see deeper into the seasoning behind the theft. Maybe he stole the bread in order to fed hi family. Surely his family will see this as a “good deed” because he has given them food.

So, maybe i should give “Morning Star” the benefit of a doubt. You simply can not go around judging books by their covers. Such blatant biased judgment is ridiculous and condemning for you know not what the “other” might do because they were slighted. It normally ends with the accusing party in some sort of discomfort. I know “He” hasn’t done anything to slight me. Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe whenever i was spared my torment, the reason they increased the pain, was because “He” whispered in their ears of their forgetfulness. Maybe “God” was watching out for me all the nights where my tears soaked my bed and my pleas went unheard.

But in any case, I’ve never met an “Angel”. Neither literal or figurative. And seeing as “Angles are “Gods” messengers, it’s safe to assume that “He” has not contacted me. Maybe he didn’t hear my calls... Maybe he was too busy granting others wishes and couldn’t be bothered to help me in my times of need. No. I’ve never met an “Angel”, but i have been call one. As a matter of fact, I’ve been called an “Angel” several times. “I was shocked the first time that someone called me one. I’ve been called many things, jerk, ass hole, whore, bastard, mammas boy, slave, nigger, cracker, white boy, and the list goes on and on in that manner, but NEVER an “Angel”. The first time was when i was wearing my uniform from my stint in the military. I was on my way to a career fair and was going to tell them of the other options that are available to them besides college. While sitting on the bus, and elderly woman, maybe 60-70, sat in front of me. She didn’t say anything at first, but i could see her glancing at me out of the corner of her eyes. She seemed to be nervous. I thought she was afraid of me. The thought of a stranger fearing me has never garnered a reaction out of me before, but this one did. I simply blame it on the fact that an elderly woman was afraid of me and i wouldn’t hurt an elderly. Unless circumstances called for it. So it surprised me further when she turned to me and asked if i was a “Black Angel”. The title threw me for a loop for a second. Mostly because it was very close to what i truly was in the military and before. I was going to ask how she came to that conclusion, but i look at myself. I was wearing a solid black “BDU”, Battle Dress Uniform, with black boots. Looking into her eyes, i could see many things within the older, wiser eyes. I could see happiness, amazement, awe, shock and hope. I wondered what this elderly woman has seen in her long life. What wars have she seen? How many of her friends, sons, daughters, husbands has she lost to the wars? I don’t think I could fathom how she must feel everyday of her life. There are many things that the military hides from the general populous, even from some of their own. This being the case, there are some things that certain individuals cannot divulge due to being sworn to secrecy and under the penalty of death. But even so, they are still “Humans”. And being “Human” comes with flaws. After all, “Loose lips sink ships”. That being the case, life boats were released in the guise of “rumors”, and life jackets, “myths”.

I knew all of these things, but looking at those hopeful and tired eyes; I couldn’t help but wordlessly nod my head in answer to her question. She quickly gathered my hands, which made me wonder why she couldn’t see what I do on them, and proceed to thank me profusely as tears escaped her eyes. I watched her blankly as she cried, not saying a word or offering comfort. If she was put off by my attitude, then she didn’t say anything. I just nodded my head as she praised me for work that she doesn’t know I’ve done nor the others, as she got off the bus. I ignored the looks of the passengers as I continued on to my stop. My only thought was of why I received thanks for my deeds.

The second time I was called an “Angel”, I was walking towards the train station. A man I didn’t know stopped me to ask me for my opinion. Reflex kicked in. i8 inspected him discretely as he began to talk. He seemed to be in his late thirties. His arms seemed muscular enough to cause bodily harm, despite being hidden beneath his bulky jacket. His eyes were semi-wide and pupils were dilated. With his jacked open I didn’t see any weapon. Of course he noticed none of this. My eyes and mind deciding he was no immediate threat at the moment, but that didn’t mean I “trusted” him. My training kicked in as my face remained impassive as he began to talk. I only devoted half of my attention towards his words as we walked. I was paying more attention to not allowing him to get behind me and out of my line of sight. His walk was a bit unsteady and he continuously bumped into my left am. He was beginning to annoy me. As we walked past my train tracks, I idly thought about pushing him in front of the train once it came, but pushed the thought back. There was no train. Turning my attention back towards him, I quirked an eyebrow at the question. Apparently he wanted to know that if he paid for my transportation, if I would be his body guard,. I was going to be his “birthday” on Wednesday and some guys invited him. He said something about me being in the military when he saw me, despite not seeing me before. Training. Conditioning. Reflex. “Old dog, new tricks”. “Old habits die hard.” I simply can’t stop it. But to be honest, I didn’t want to. He asked me for my opinion on whether or not he should go to the party that they were going to throw for him. I told him not to go. He question as to why he shouldn’t go. For an instant I thought about it. I didn’t know him, so I wouldn’t miss him. We had nothing in common, so we could never be more that acquaintances. He didn’t know my name and I didn’t know his. Anonymous. So why didn’t I drop the subject and let him go? Perhaps because I know someone would miss him. But that couldn’t be it. I found myself answering in a monotone that if he has doubts then he should not go. He proclaimed that I was an “Angel”. I didn’t comment on the title. He was under the impression that I was a messenger sent from “God”. I was not going to tell him otherwise. Let him see this as he wishes. It mattered not to me. We ended up walking well past my train station by several blocks. I chanced a glance at my watch. 20 minutes. Nothing better to do. I realized that the man was still talking. He says he’s going to be 40 and that he has a daughter that graduates this year. Surely she would miss him when he’s gone. He was still going on about if he should go to the party. I played with the pen that was hidden in my pocket. How easily I could stop all questions. And how I could answer them. You can’t go to a party when in the “After Life”. Better to not think about that now; many people across the street. Better alone. Again, he said that I must be an “Angel”, because he’s been having doubts about going to the party and he wanted others opinions. And again I made no comment. He asked me if I drank. I answered yes. I had to drink on many occasions where it was common. I still didn’t like to do it much, but I was never one to turn down an offer.

As we continued to walk towards our destination, rather now we had a destination, to the corner store, he made comments about some woman that caught his eyes. I paid no attention to him. It mattered not to me if he liked women or men. When he asked what my type was, i gave no answer and appeared to not be listening. Entering the store, he announced to all that he was going to win the lottery and give everyone some money. He then asked two guys for their names. At first they didn’t answer and i gave him the money to get the alcohol. I was still only a minor. Six more months. My instincts kicked in as i spotted the two guys from before walk back in and ask him what he wanted their names for. I could tell that they were in a gang and had i had no intentions of getting into a gang fight at the moment.

i put myself between them and placed a hand on his chest. I told him to let it go. He was a bit insistent, but i was counting on him believing i was an “Angel” to get him to listen. Once he calmed down, i told him to get the stuff as i walked outside. For a smoke. I didn’t need it, but i was surveying the area for the two to see if they were waiting around or if they left. Either way, i was not going to be around to find out. Its not my fight. As he came out, we started walking about towards my train. 5 minutes. He was still talking about the two guys, and even bothered to ask some random people on the street what they thought of the situation. I stood and watched. I could have walked away, but that would be rude. That, and i told him i would walk him back. Only because it was right next to my train.

Getting to the station, he decided to give me his number. I took it down. I have no intentions on calling him. But he doesn’t know that. He waits with me for my train as it slowly pulls up. I can se the lights. I glance out the corner of my eye and look at him standing next to me looking at the light too. Go towards the light. my right hand twitches. It’s getting closer. ‘He complains a lot.’ And closer. ’He says no one will miss him.’ Almost here. I silently step closer to be just slightly behind him. ’He’s suffering from loneliness.’ The train slows before me and i step out from behind him. As i got on the train and the doors closed, i an hear him thanking me, telling me that he was going to listen to his “Angel”.

As i sat down in the mock leather seats, i turned my gaze towards the darkening sky. I could see the moon.

I wonder if he knew that he came close to loosing his life three times since he’s met me?

And if he did....

Would he still call me an “Angel”?